Work sucks, I know!

So April and May have been quite hellish thus I never really had much desire to post on this shit (BUT I'M STILL HOLDING ON TO IT BECAUSE I NEED TO KEEP TRACK OF MY MEDIOCRE SUCCESS, SO WHATEVZ). I left my job and I was having major problems with the tenants (never ever rent from a friend). However, right when I was about to give up on everything I managed to snag a job by total coincidence and luck. I have been working for a month and a week now and it's been HECTIC AS FUCK! I work a regular 9 to 5 job that makes me suicidal because nothing ends after 5, I keep getting phone calls, emails and messages that require immediate response and it makes me wish death upon myself. I also realized I cannot cope well under stress especially with my anxiety and panicy nature and that makes me question the importance of this job vs the money I get paid vs my mental health.

I also moved to a newer, cute apartment in a much nicer area! I have malls and restaurants around me. It's so cute and cozy but I'm still unpacking even though it's been about two weeks since I've moved in but I JUST CAN'T FIND THE ENERGY TO DO IT! Anxiety also toll on me and I shut off from the world and cut off all contact with my family for like a month because of my anxiety issues but I gathered up the courage to see them this weekend and it went much better than I expected.  I feel like 'family anxiety' for me comes from the fact that I am totally different around them and they don't know me AT ALL, so sometimes I feel like I'm sorta  living as two people and I don't know which one is "real". 

This weekend though was sort of a cleanse for me because I think I was going through a mild mental breakdown or something. I managed to hang clothes on two clothing racks (small steps, ya know?) and did some chores.

I'm going to try and force myself to stay in this job for at least a year and see where it goes from there. I'll probably lose my mind in a couple of months but I don't really have any other choice right now. I'm just going to challenge myself all while trying to balance seeing my friends and family and introducing new good habits to my life...  or maybe not.

SHIT I NEED TO GET DONE ONCE I GET PAID:

- bathroom accessories
- pay the rent
- buy curtains
- get mom to pay for my glass coffee table
- get a new laptop

bye xo